How to Survive a College Theatrical Production

As a favor to the many folks who have come to see me in shows over the years, I post this helpful how-to which ran in the Stanford Daily. You're welcome.

Holt's Harangue: How to survive a college theatrical production
February 22, 2007
By Chris Holt

A lot of my friends are theater people, and thus I’ve been invited to go to quite a few theatrical productions on various college campuses. In retrospect, I wish I had more friends who were adult film stars. Subsequently, I’ve observed some easy ways to make the experience better for the audience.

Immediately, college students think that the best way to survive a production is to be drunk. I think that’s only fair at the Friday night show, when you know the cast itself has a higher blood alcohol level than you. Personally, I have difficulty following the plots of productions while sober, so altering my mind is only going to complicate things. I have no idea why that person is gesturing off stage, why every character is now holding hands and bowing to us or why people see anything written by Gilbert and Sullivan.

People often talk of heckling, but that’s never really been my thing. I’ll heckle art that doesn’t feature living people in front of me trying their best. To tell someone who put so many long hours into rehearsing that he sucks is just really cruel. That’s why I prefer the more humane tactic of beating up a capella groups after their concerts. Come on Testimony, quit shirking the challenge; let’s rumble.

My experience in heckling is usually limited to media that demand passive interaction with the audience. This translates into mocking something when I know they can’t hear me. At movies I fancy myself a bit of a wit, I’m brutal at zoos (especially to those no-talent penguins), and I’m terribly clever when I watch filmed lectures alone in my room.

Inevitably, I always know at least a few people in the chorus. Unavoidably, in these big ensemble musicals, there are lots of huge stumbling numbers. When the entire chorus comes on for one of the big opening numbers which may have a reprise in the closing number, I don’t try to make out the words. This will only bring you pain and misinterpretation: Did they just say they wanted to go back to “Smoklohama?” Most choruses comprise of everyone involved in the production. The leads, the set people and even the janitor can usually be spotted mimicking the motions of the chorus as they all belt out lyrics as articulately as Joe Biden rapping. Foreign films have subtitles, so why can’t large college musical numbers?

My best advice is to just let the sweet off-key song pass over you like a warm blanket. Don’t interpret the words; the song isn’t there to further the plot. I know I won’t have this many smiling people in front of me somewhat rhythmically dancing until I form that B-52s cover band.

I have a reputation as a harsh critic of culture, which is a reputation this column seems to reinforce. But really, my own behavior is much more mild-mannered. I usually am really personable and even overly laudatory in real life. I’m so willing to please I have difficulty saying no to people; this is why I ended up on yearbook my freshman year or voted in any election.

It’s good to be able to see the positive because I’m often asked what I think of student written, directed and choreographed pieces. You can’t say “That was awesome. Was this your first time directing?” Or “I haven’t seen an effort this adorable since middle school.” Instead you concentrate on the positives. The lighting. This typo-less program. It was shorter than you thought it would be.

I asked my theater friends what else I don’t notice as a member of the audience. They explain that theatrical productions have more drama than a Mormon temple in the Castro district. There is always sexual tension within the cast of these productions; people hook up with one another and tempers flair. I’m never perceptive enough to know the gossip, so I’ll accidentally compliment someone else who has just dumped the person I’m talking to. “Oh Chris, you’d think that was a good performance. But you haven’t seen him say that he loves you.” I really feel like having production notes on who is hooking up with whom would make the audience’s job a lot easier. That way I can intentionally screw with my high-strung theater friends.

Well, with winter and spring productions on the horizon, I’m looking forward to seeing the best that motivated, talented Stanford students have to offer. That’s why I’m going to the basketball games instead.

Chris respectfully thanks his friends for the help he received on this column. He is actually a patron of Stanford theater, so don’t ask him what he thinks of it. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.

Posted with Chris Holt's permission.