Way less than 3 minutes

There are a few smells that one is likely to encounter in an office that are completely unmistakable: Fresh coffee. Sharpie ink. Fear.

And, of course, burned popcorn. We had a heapin' helpin' of that last one today.

One of our staffers put in one of those individual-serving bags today, pushed a few buttons, and then made her tragic error. She walked away. I don't know why, maybe she was getting her water glass or something. But like a two-year ago with a permanent marker, one can never leave microwave popcorn unattended. Not for a second.

From my end of the hall, the attack was subtle. First I smelled popcorn. Then I smelled that sharp, piercing smell of burned popcorn. At the other end of the hall, where the accountants and countracts folk are, it was a more frontal assault. Office doors got closed, fans were rounded up, the front door propped open, and the usual "who did that?" mini-meetings were held at the front desk.

The microwave was coated with, well, with burned grease and a black, smoking bag was in the trash. My usual lunch is a frozen entree, so I sprayed the interior of the microwave with 409 and cleaned it out as much as I could. Then I ran a cup of water for a minute a couple of times, which helped absorb a lot of the smoke. And means that on Monday when I heat my lunch it won't have a top note of arson.

The other mistake my co-worker made was reading the bigger words on the popcorn bag, which says "Most bags will be done in LESS THAN 3 minutes" and missing the smaller words "(some bags will be done in as little as 1 minute)." I'm guessing she pushed the "popcorn" button on the front panel, which equals about 2:45. These bags are done by 1:15.

I'm little concerned that all that smoke set off neither the fire alarm nor the sprinklers, but I guess we'll just consider that a heads-up. Don't count on the smoke alarm to do anything except annoy you when you are busy and it is cold or raining out. And we're grateful that the entire floor wasn't sprinkled because I can't imagine that would be good for the computers.

Naturally, my boss, who was in the conference room and got a good lungful of "office campfire" was muttering about a popcorn ban, which I voted against. Especially as I bought a box of 10 of those single serving bags earlier this week, which I never leave unattended as they pop. Forgive and forget. No draconian responses to unfortunate lapses. Everyone is allowed a mistake now and again. That's what I said.

And besides, this only happens here maybe once a quarter. I know I remember the last one really well. Why? Because I was the arsonist that time.