I made a math joke

Oh, God, what's become of me.

An email exchange between me and one of the contracting staff:

Me:  Remind [project manager] that typing in the names of the folks up the chain [into the form I'm processing before he sends it to me] makes me think that they’re already seen / approved the [form] which will bite me one day.  And then I’ll be looking for revenge.

Contracts Administrator:  Yes, I’ll remind [project manager] (again) not to fill in names.   I think he is trying to be helpful, sigh.

Me:  Yeah.  Tell him that he’s being (helpful). 

This is your pilot speaking

I've been researching twin engine aircraft for work recently and my favorite part about that is reading aviator-written descriptions of planes, handling, and the trade-offs with a second engine.  And my favorite part of aviator-written descriptions?  Their fondness for off-hand understatement.

For example, these are from AVSIM Commercial FSX Aircraft Review's* description of the Cessna Skymaster.  And, again, the first one is my favorite.  The last is my second favorite.



It has two of everything to maintain and replace, increasing operating and ownership costs. But, of course, it has two engines and that second engine just might save your life one day. Owners usually agree the extra cost is well worth it within minutes of an engine failure at a critical time.

---
My favorite Skymaster quote is from a pilot who had an engine failure in IFR** over the mountains at night. ATC asked, "Sir, are you declaring an emergency?" The Skymaster pilot replied, "No, I'm declaring an inconvenience."

---

In early days it was not uncommon to see aborted takeoffs of the C337 simply because the pilot failed to notice the rear engine had conked out somewhere along the taxi stage and the pilot also evidently failed to do a proper engine run-up and mag check prior to takeoff.  Posted placards state, at the insistence of the FAA that the normal operation should be to lead with only the rear engine for takeoff then follow with the forward engine.  This is to ensure the rear engine is actually running at normal power for takeoff.  Rotation and climb out would not be a good time to discover your twin is actually a single.  Single engine takeoffs are prohibited.

This is one of the reasons you see the C337 taxi with the tractor engine completely shut down.  One, you don’t need two engines to taxi, two, you save on fuel and wear and tear on parts, and [three], you probably won’t attempt a takeoff if the prop you are looking at is not turning.

---

I like the engine sounds*** so much that I load up the C337H in FSX, start the engine or engines, turn up the volume, minimize FSX, and then work on my writing or editing or forum surfing with these sweet sounds in the background.  It reminds me of those old days sitting in the hot sun in Miami waiting for takeoff clearance surrounded by big iron.  It drives my wife nuts.

---

The standard line is that there is very little indication of a rear engine failure. Other than the sputtering sound, the sudden and noticeable pressure on the restraining harness against your chest and the rapid loss of about 15 to 20 knots in airspeed, there aren't many clues. If someone cannot feel this and see the drop in fuel flow and cylinder head temperatures, they probably should not be flying anything.

*An aviation simulator.  The actual plane is described as part of the complete description of the simulator. 

** "Instrument flight rules (IFR) is one of two sets of regulations governing all aspects of civil aviation aircraft operations; the other is visual flight rules (VFR)."  So saith the Google and the Wikipedia.

*** Having two 210 hp engines hanging forward and back rather than off to the sides means that the plane is consistently described as being very, very noisy.  Like being inside a lawn mower.

1. 
   

We are not the droids they're looking for

One of the more interesting things about having my name and email on the company website is that I am the person most likely to get emails from random-ish strangers.  Specifically, I get mail for people looking for customer service for companies with initials like the one I work for. 

I have suggested to my boss that we could generate some revenue by billing those companies for the pleasant (and even possibly helpful) replies that I send.  

Here is a selection.  Some were more fun to handle than others, but Number 1 will always have a special place in my heart.  I wouldn't mind having that lady on my side in a similar situation.

#1

From: [name]
Sent: Sunday, February 03, 2013 2:59 PM
To: Hall, Leta
Subject: Poor, Poor Customer Service

I was just at your Sturgis, Michigan store.  Ahead of me in line was a woman with a return.  She had her receipt, but the barcode wouldn't scan and the date was smudged, but it was clearly a TSC receipt.  The manager, Will, was called to the front and turned the woman away, saying that she could not return the item because of the barcode and date.  She was not even given a cursory apology. Then, after she left, the cashier got on the phone and said, right in front of me "Yeah, I have a lady who just got crappy with me about a return" and proceeded to read off the woman's phone number. This entire incident was rude, unnecessary, and a breach of privacy. I was a long-time customer, but seeing how my future returns and private information might be handled in the future, and that I might be described as a "crappy" customer in front of other customers after I walk out of the store ... well, I think this issue should be addressed. The customer was not even being rude; she just said "I don't understand". Wow.
[name and address]

From: Hall, Leta

Sent: Monday, February 04, 2013 10:27 AM
To: [name]
Subject: RE: Poor, Poor Customer Service

Good morning, Ms. [name],

I agree with you – that sounds *awful.*  Unfortunately the TSC you’ve reached isn’t the same as the one you’re hoping to reach.  The TSC that I work for doesn’t have any stores – we provide engineering services.  

If you wanted the Tractor Supply Company their website and customer service contacts can be found at http://www.tractorsupply.com/.  I hope you are able to reach the right person and get a good resolution.

All the best,

Leta Hall

Corporate Administrator

#2

From: [name]
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2014 3:09 PM
To:  Leta
Subject: WX-110110CSO-CBK

Hi Leta –

Can you please provide a detailed spec sheet on the following part # : WX-110110CSO-CBK

The customer isn’t happy with the quality and would like complete details of the material, etc

Please advise

Thank you!

[name and contact info]

From: Leta
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2014 2:30 PM
To: [name]
Subject: RE: WX-110110CSO-CBK

Hi [name] ~

Unfortunately, I can’t provide that spec sheet.  The TSC that I work for are engineers. 

It looks as though the item you are referring to is made by TSC America and while I can find their product suppliers easily on the internet, I am having trouble finding the actual company.  I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more help but hope that you are able to find the information that your customer needs. 

All the best,

Leta

From: [name]
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2014 3:33 PM
To:  Leta
Subject: RE: WX-110110CSO-CBK

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond J don’t find that much now a days !

You have a super weekend!

[name]

#3

From: [name]
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2014 1:57 PM
To: Leta
Subject: Tsc conventionally raised or organic meat?

Dear Ms. Hall,

Is the meat in tsc's tsatziki steak flatbread conventionally raised or organic?

Sincerely,
[name]

From: Leta
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2014 2:06 PM
To: [name]
Subject: RE: Tsc conventionally raised or organic meat?

Good afternoon, Ms. {Name],

I think that you are trying to contact the Tropical Smoothie Café, rather than [my employer].  We don’t (alas) have any flatbreads, just lots of engineers.

Tropical Smoothie’s customer service folks can be reached at  http://www.tropicalsmoothie.com/contact-us.  I hope they are able to provide the information you’re seeking.

All the best,

Leta

Corporate Administrator


#4

From: name
Sent: Wednesday, July 02, 2014 8:48 AM
To: Hall, Leta
Subject: cable inquiry for vietnam

Dear [misspelling of my name],

 I am working for [company], a Austrian company, which produces various kinds of lighting kits for vehicles. We would like to establish a business in Vietnam and therefore we need several cables. I found out that you company as well has a branch office in Hanoi, correct?

If yes I kindly ask you provide me with a contact person, or forward this E-Mail to a person in charge.

I have enclosed you a folder with the several different cables we need!

For each cable type (cable number) you can find a technical datasheet and a picture. Please check whether the production of each single cable is possible for you or not.

If you can produce those cables I need the following information from you:

From each type we need 600 km per year.

We want to have the cables in big cable rolls. Is that possible?

Besides I wonder what the minimum order quantity is?

I kindly ask you to send me an initial price quotation for each cable type /cable number.

Thank you in advance and I hope to hear from you soon

Best regards

[name]

Von: Hall, Leta
Gesendet: Mittwoch, 02. Juli 2014 16:53
An: [namen]
Betreff: RE: cable inquiry for vietnam

Dear [name],

I’m sorry to tell you that the TSC that you have reached is not the TSC you were looking for.  I believe that you are trying to reach Tractor Supply Company (www.tractorsupply.com).    Their page for cables and connectors is http://www.tractorsupply.com/en/store/search/cables-connectors.

Our web addresses are similar so this confusion happens a lot. 

All the best,

Leta

Typical work email

From our receptionist who has had to put up with me for nearly 15 years:

From: [the front desk]
Sent: Friday, February 07, 2014 3:31 PM
To: Leta
Subject: Boxes in mailroom

My reply:

From: Leta
Sent: Friday, February 07, 2014 3:43 PM
To: [the front desk]
Subject: RE: Boxes in mailroom

Thank goodness.  I was afraid the kittens wouldn't get here before the weekend.

Can’t believe the vendor forgot the air holes *again.*

Hey, do we have a litter box anywhere around here?

Inclement Weather Policy

I asked my boss and he confirmed that this is, indeed, the basis of our Corporate Inclement Weather Policy:

On May 19, 1780, an unexplained, near-total darkness fell over much of New England, at midday. The more superstitious believed that doomsday had come. In New Haven, Connecticut, Colonel Abraham Davenport spoke out against adjourning the town council on account of the darkness. He said: "I am against adjournment. The day of judgment is either approaching or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. I wish, therefore, that candles may be brought."

We're moving; I'm not moving

My office is moving from Silver Spring to Crystal City.

And I've been thinking a lot about where I should live, based on what this will do to my commute.  Friends suggested relocating to Virginia.  

So I did some poking around on line for apartments.  The move is not until March, but it never hurts to look.  And I found a place in Arlington that was kinda do-able.

But.  And it's a big but ... *

I can't shake the belief that moving to Virginia and letting my tax dollars go to Richmond would send a signal that I most adamantly don't want to send. 

In Maryland there is Marriage Equality.  In Virginia, there isn't.

In Maryland, capital punishment is rarely applied** and is being considered for abolishment because it is the second most unfairly applied form of punishment in the US.  (Crack vs. powder cocaine is the first.*** )  Virginia's execution rate per capita is 4th in the nation (after Oklahoma, Texas, and ... Delaware).****  

I just can't bring myself to appear to "vote with my feet" that I am for the death penalty and against marriage equality.  

I'm not against the death penalty in all cases and think that it can be a good prosecutorial bargaining chip but it hasn't been proven to be a deterrent, it's really expensive, and it's applied with unsupportable amounts of bias.

I'm very much for marriage equality.  Enough so that I actually wrote to politicians supporting it. Writing to politicians is just asking to be put on solicitation lists which I hate.

Enough so that I bought a special license plate to say so.

I am for marriage equality because I am for equality.  And I'm for love.  And families.

"But your vote would count in Virginia!"  people like to say.  

My vote in Maryland helped pass marriage equality.  All my friends' votes in Virginia didn't stop a law writing homophobia into their constitution.

We are moving our offices to Virginia (among other reasons) because it is "business friendly" but I'm staying in Maryland because it is human friendly.

* ... pause for TWSS ...

** 5 people in 35 years, 25th state per capita with a per 10,000 rate of .0009.  HT to Death Penalty Info

*** IMHO

**** 108 people in 35 years (second only to Texas w 472) and a per 10K rate of .188

Another reason I like my job

I am in charge in planning the annual meeting of our managers and Board of Directors, a very fine group of people with whom I greatly enjoy spending time.*

Today I sent out the e-mail confirming the date and location of the meeting, to wit:

As mentioned previously, the managers meeting will be held [date]. We had originally hoped to have the meetings here in the DC area but a city-wide meeting** is taking place that week, so we will meet at the [location]. [Further details, blah, blah, blah]

Within a few minutes I got a reply from one of our Operations Managers: Wow – a city wide meeting. Do all residents have to attend? That must be one heck of a gathering!

And I answered back: Yes! That’s exactly it. Plays hell with restaurant reservations with 600,000 all trying to get a table.

This is why when people ask me what I do I say that I work with smart people who can take a joke.


* I would probably enjoy it more if my brain weren't running a constant hum through my head of "What have I forgotten to do?  What have I done wrong?"


** A city-wide meeting has lots of stuff going on in the Washington Convention Center and fills every hotel.

Kitchen Rules

Everybody's office has different kitchen rules.  Here are a couple of ours:

Today someone put a cake in the kitchen at work and our controller and I found it.  He wasn't sure what the deal was but I pointed out that the presence of plates, forks, and no sign saying "Can't Touch This" meant that the cake was being shared.  I also told him that it was up to him to take the first piece.  Someone had to start the darn thing and we know that because it's filled with gluten, I can't.

He was convinced that this was some kind of trap.  I promised him that if it were not meant to be shared, it wouldn't be unguarded in the kitchen.  C'mon, engineers work here. College interns.  Those folks can strip an entire box of donuts in a few seconds.

So I said that if he started the cake and anyone gave him any crap, he could refer them to me.  "I got your back. I'll explain."  "You'll say you never said any such thing."  "Exactly.  I might even say that I'd never met you."

He started the cake.  We found out later that it was leftover from a birthday party the evening before and intended for general consumption.

Rule #1:  Food left unguarded is for sharing.  Candy you don't want to share should be kept on your side of the computer screen or in a desk drawer.  Anything out in the open is intended for all.

Rule #2:  You move your feet ...  Most frozen entrees require heating, stirring, and more heating.  A lot of people put their food in for the first three minutes and then wander off.  I know I do.  We have a "move your feet you lose your seat" approach to the microwave.  If the microwave dinged for my food and you're waiting to heat your food, take mine out, put it on the top of the microwave, and put yours in.  Sometimes new people hover near the microwave, reluctant to mess with someone else's lunch, but we quickly enough train them to our ways.

I don't know how other kitchens work but I've been working here so long I don't think that I could change my ways.

The Official AN/SPS-30 Cigarette Lighter

This post from Silver Spring: Then and Again is another one of those areas where elements of my personal history come together.

I live in Silver Spring (or at least moved here as a child) because APL was here. The Navy assigned Dad to APL, possibly as a Tech Rep, so my parents bought a house a couple of miles away. We expected to be here for two to three years. Naturally, I therefore ended up doing all but a few months of my schooling in Montgomery County schools.*  (I'm not sure but I think if I asked Daddy why the Navy assigned him there, he would say that it was to put him in proximity to Crisfields for lunch every day.)

So I grew up in Silver Spring, Daddy worked at APL, and the third leg of this triangle is, of course, that the company I work for now does radar here in Silver Spring, blocks from the old APL site.

Looking at the plaque, I can even understand most of what it says because quite a few of our contracts say much the same thing.  The numbering system for contracts hasn't changed, probably since 1781.

Not that I smoke, but if one of those were to show up at yard sale, I think I'd buy it in a hurry.


*I started kindergarten in at Quidnessett Elementary School in North Kingston, Rhode Island and we moved to Silver Spring in November of that year.  The year that I was 14, I spent six months living with Daddy in Belgium and attended the base school from March to June. Other than those brief lacunae, teachers at Parkside Elementary, Eastern Junior High, and Montgomery Blair High School had the daily struggle of getting me to stop daydreaming or surreptitiously reading.

Luckily he shares my sense of humor

Actual conversation with my Boss today:

Me:  I'm going to run an errand.

My Boss:  Are you?  I won't be here when you get back.

Me:  Is that a threat?  If I walk out, you're leaving?

Nothing like a little pretend emotional blackmail to liven up the workday.

I don't see why not

My boss asked me about the annual holiday potluck:

My Boss:  What are employees encouraged to bring?

Me:  Very expensive alcohol.

My Boss:  Really.  So just desserts or  ...?

Me:  Desserts or side dishes.

My Boss:  Okay, thanks.  (Heading into his office)

Me:  And jewelry!

Q&Q

People wanting to see my Boss:  "Is he in a good mood?"
Me:  "Yes."  [Beat] "You're not going to change that, are you?"

Chocolate?

It is possible that one of our staffers didn't use this as his model, but as he gives me a Hershey bar whenever I do a favor for him, I have my suspicions ...

Chocolate?

I'll see you and raise you

Me: I got two paper cuts doing that mailing. I'm going to file for Workers' Comp.
My Boss: Paper cuts, huh? That sounds self-inflicted to me. We'll put you on report.
Me: Fine. I'll see your self-inflicted wound and raise you a hostile work environment.
My boss: Oh, really? Then we can make this a very hostile environment for you.

It's not for nothing that I studied the fine art of Retaliation & Escalation under Brett. But it seems that my Boss may have taken a similar curriculum.

Just a suggestion

I am sorting and mailing out the W-2 forms for 2009 today. The ones for current employees will go to their offices and the ones for former employees will go to their homes.

And quite a few of them will come back to me because some of the former employees have moved and their forwarding orders have expired. I always tell departing staffers to make sure that we have an address for them that will get their W-2s to them, but who really thinks about a former employer or a once-a-year form while going through the whole "do I really like this enough to pack and move it" and "why do I have so much crap and why is it so heavy" process that is moving.

So if you moved during 2009? Make sure your former employer has your current address. Sure speeds up getting that refund.

Matching donation

I got this e-mail this morning from our Human Resources Director:

I am sure you all are aware of the devastating earthquake that rocked Haiti last week and the growing need for resources needed by the Haitians to recover and rebuild. Many of you have responded by sending aid through your charity of choice, and [the company] will join you in that effort by matching your donations. If you have made a donation towards the Haiti recovery effort, please contact me. I will co-ordinate the Haiti Relief matching fund donation.

One of the many reasons I'm glad I work here. I've texted money to the Red Cross and now and I think I'll send a bit more to Doctors Without Borders for the immediate relief and Engineers Without Borders for the long-term recovery.

The bad place

I don't mind Tech Week, which some theater people call Hell Week. In fact, I rather like it. But, oh, how I hate Version Control Hell.

I went to Version Control Hell last week and just got back. Fortunately, it was really only a day trip, unlike some of the extended voyages I've been on in the past.

Upper Management is working on an important document for our company right now. And they are doing it by in-person meetings and by editing the document via our intranet site. And they forgot the most important rule: when editing the document on the intranet site, "save" don't "save as" with a new name.

So I merged the documents back into one and sent the Worthy Gentlemen* an e-mail reminding them not to "save as," but only to "save."

And I included this paraphrase: What Leta has joined together, let no Manager put asunder. **

I'm hoping that the Biblical-sounding injunction will work where "please" and "thanks!" have failed. We shall see.


* Because I work in what is still a very male-dominated field, I am still looking forward to the day when I send an e-mail to Upper Management that cannot start with the salutation "Gentlemen."

** Another reason that I really, really like my job? I ran that sentence past my Boss before I sent the e-mail and he didn't make me take it out.

Rejoinder

My Boss wanted to give me a to-do list yesterday while I was sitting at the front desk. And, of course, the only thing I could find to write on was a 1 1/2" by 2" Post-It note pad.

He started to tell me what he wanted and then looked down and said, "I want you to know that that is a completely inadequate platoon leader's notebook."

"Oh, I know," I replied, "it's like a fountain pen-and-pocketknife tracheotomy kit."

I think, or maybe just hope, that it's quick similes-in-kind that help keep me employed here.

Why I'm not in management

Unless these are secretly tactics that the Wharton School endorses...

1. A discussion with my Boss about some people who by not having done something are holding up other portions of the project:

Me: We need to bring back some kind of vicious, painful, and humiliating form of revenge. But only against other people. Not me. I cry.

My Boss now tells me that added to his goals for the week is to make me cry.

2. In an e-mail when the WATCH tabulator asked me how I manage to get such good compliance on ballots:

Me: It's a combination of flirting, cajoling, nagging, and begging. The same way I get cast in shows, actually.

Annual Performance Review

My Boss won't let use the following answers in my self-evaluation. Such as a pity, as it would be the most concise and honest one I'd ever written.


Accomplishments during last review period: Didn't piss anyone off so much that they felt that had to fire me.

Goals/objectives for coming review period: See above.