28 November 2006

Cats on Broadway

Cats is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, Cats doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what Cats would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their mood.

Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.

In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.

Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.

Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves. Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

From Flippy's Cat Page via Debbie.


Michael Clark said...

Sorry, but Phantom of the Opera passed Cats a little while ago. Otherwise a great list.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the prospect of abandoning the staging in order to chase the laser pointer dot when some kid sneaks one into the theater :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, the anonymous was me, btw ...

John C.

Anonymous said...

Very funny. Nice blog. Thanks for visiting mine. I'll be back. :)

Anonymous said...

You rock, and Phantom isn't even close to Cats yet if you count the off off off Broadway performances held weekly in my basement.

This week were going to experiment with a few of your suggestions.

Why don't you grab your wiskers and come over sometime.